It was 11:30 pm when I got a call this Sunday, the last day of 2017. I pick it up to hear a boy’s voice. He says, “Phoenix, it’s Karan. i need you to come somewhere with me. Something has gone down.” out of shock I reply,”Okay. Gimme some time I’ll come to your house.” At around 11:45 pm, I reach his home.
To my surprise I see him, his girlfriend and some guy I believe to be the woman’s friend.
I see Karan with a hard fact trying to control his true emotions at the time talking to his girlfriend whose face as she was almost going cry. I ask Karan in person, “What happened? Why did you call me in such urgency?”. He replies,” She fucked up again and I don’t know what to do. Just make sure I don’t go out of control” As he told me that all the episodes of him almost killing people flashed in a jiffy. He wasn’t a murderer. He wasn’t my friend. He was just an acquaintance who live in my building.
” WHAT DID I DO TO YOU? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME? WHY DID’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOU GUYS? ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU. AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPLY TO LOVE, CARE AND AFFECTION? AGAIN?” Karan shouts at his girlfriend. The scene was that Karan found out that the love of his life was dating somebody else while she was in a relationship with him. Gosh !!! This was the fourth time Karan’s girl friend had broken his trust. She did not reply to any of his questions.
It was 12:00. The world rejoiced for it was New year 2018. People patched up, friends partied, couples romanced away into the beautiful night. I was sitting on my bike all alone outside the parking of Karan’s house under the black sky lit with fireworks and fairy lights. It was at this moment I realised I was just imagining what had happened.
The truth was, nothing ever happened. I never received a call. I don’t have a friend called Karan. I didn’t visit anybody’s home. It was just me reliving my experience with love. It was new year. People were rejoicing, couples romanced away, friends partied away. But I was not with anyone. I sat on my computer typing away with teary eyes, a wet keyboard typing away my experiences, my fears of love. As my heart ached, it ache more as I sat alone in a dark room with only me monitor’s screen throwing some light on my face. My heart ache more because I sat alone when everybody I ever knew was with someone enjoying whilst I sat alone just wishing and expecting to be disturbed. Just aching to be called out for. Just aching to be loved and cared and shown affection to.
This was my story on new year’s eve what is yours? I hope you had a better one else it would make two of us who spent one of the biggest nights in solitary. Maybe aching to what never could happen. Just hiding away your pain and wishing it never came out.
– New year’s eve 2018,