My experience this 2018…

It was 11:30 pm when I got a call this Sunday, the last day of 2017. I pick it up to hear a boy’s voice. He says, “Phoenix, it’s Karan. i need you to come somewhere with me. Something has gone down.” out of shock I reply,”Okay. Gimme some time I’ll come  to your house.” At around 11:45 pm, I reach his home.
To my surprise I see him, his girlfriend and some guy I believe to be the woman’s friend.

I see Karan with a hard fact trying to control his true emotions at the time talking to his girlfriend whose face as she was almost going cry. I ask Karan in person, “What happened? Why did you call me in such urgency?”. He replies,” She fucked up again and I don’t know what to do. Just make sure I don’t go out of control” As he told me that all the episodes of him almost killing people flashed in a jiffy. He wasn’t a murderer. He wasn’t my friend. He was just an acquaintance who live in my building.

” WHAT DID I DO TO YOU? WHY IS IT  ALWAYS ME? WHY DID’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOU GUYS? ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU. AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPLY TO LOVE, CARE AND AFFECTION? AGAIN?” Karan shouts at his girlfriend. The scene was that Karan found out that the love of his life was dating somebody else while she was in a relationship with him. Gosh !!! This was the fourth time Karan’s girl friend had broken his trust. She did not reply to any of his questions.

It was 12:00. The world rejoiced for it was New year 2018. People patched up, friends partied, couples romanced away into the beautiful night. I was sitting on my bike all alone outside the parking of Karan’s house under the black sky lit with fireworks and fairy lights. It was at this moment I realised I was just imagining what had happened.

The truth was, nothing ever happened. I never received a call. I don’t have a friend called Karan. I didn’t visit anybody’s home. It was just me reliving my experience with love. It was new year. People were rejoicing, couples romanced away, friends partied away. But I was not with anyone. I sat on my computer typing away with teary eyes, a wet keyboard typing away my experiences, my fears of love. As my heart ached, it ache more as I sat alone in a dark room with only me monitor’s screen throwing some light on my face. My heart ache more because I sat alone when everybody I ever knew was with someone enjoying whilst I sat alone just wishing and expecting to be disturbed. Just aching to be called out for. Just aching to be loved and cared and shown affection to.

This was my story on new year’s eve what is yours? I hope you had a better one else it would make two of us who spent one of the biggest nights in solitary. Maybe aching to what never could happen. Just hiding away your pain and wishing it never came out.

– New year’s eve 2018,
Phoenix.

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As they drifted apart…

If you have always had someone around you, Probably, just probably you wouldn’t get me.

Have you ever loved somebody so much that you failed to see what effect the person you love or the whole thing for a fact has on you ?
YEAH ! Love is blinding. There are times when you love someone from the deepest points of you heart and this hinders your sight metaphorically. You fail to see how the person has changed or how you have changed as a person. Sometimes people fail to see what the person they love has changed . Irrespective of the fact you love the person as a lover or as a friend. The person gradually changes from what they were. Sometimes they change to the worse like the exact opposite of what they were or what they were in opposition of.

Further, because you loved them so much  you end up having all your faith in them saying, “She and changing? NOT AT ALL. I would have known if she did. We are best friends”. But what happens is that with so much trust thrusted upon them by you, you fail to see that THEY HAVE CHANGED. There are times people fail to see that their loved ones have changed in various aspect. Sometimes, people fail to see that PRIORITIES of their loved ones (which at a point of time they were) have changed. But you don’t see it.
even if it is crystal clear, even though it is right in your face, people are not able to see.

Between best friends, the experience goes as:
~ When they are best friends: Late night texts, long calls, frequent meetings, daily contact without fail.
~ When there are changes sinking in: Short texts, short, less calls, they get “BUSY”. (OHHH ! how all of a sudden we are all busy with out lives.)
~ When the changes are clear for the rest of the world: No calls, texts are done only when needed, you don’t meet because they are busy.
~ When priorities are engraved on stone: No texts or texts go unnoticed for days, Days and days of one sided texts, no replies, Meetings are not possible for weeks, They seem busy all the time.
~ When you think something is up (You are late): no texts for days and weeks (only means of communication is broken.)

With this you try to contact them but you fail miserably. This is the time when you want to talk them very eagerly but it is impossible. Just for the heck of it you give them some time thinking they will sort their s**t out and come back to you. Well my friend you made a mistake.
With this your relation ship is counting its last days. You are terrified of what ever is going on but you are late and there’s nothing that can be done.
You confront them and everybody gets a standard answer, “WHAT !? I don’t think anything is up. I don’t think nothing between us has changed. We are good”

You go home and you thing “Maybe its just me. Maybe I am overreacting. Meh, its all good.” Now you think its all good and you stop texting.

The distance between the two of you has widened to an immeasurable extent. There is a void felt by you sub consciously but you can’t do nothing about it.

AND THAT’S IT ! You are done. Two people who have been best friends for a long time, who shared everything from the clothes they are gonna wear to the kind of shit day they are having. And BOOM ! one’s priorities change and other blinded by love is left out hanging between times unknown of what to do. The one left out feels cheap. Like a “CHOICE”. A choice which at first was not a choice but a definitive part of other life.

Love blinded one and the other just drifted apart. Unknown for the better or for the worst but for sure,  away. So far that coming back would not be easy but once back it would never be the same.

In the end, the one left hanging is rapping at the door, screaming and scratching to be let into their loved one’s life but it does not happen. In the end feeling of neglect seeps in and makes home ruining all means of positive energy breaking the person down. Even if people are around them, they feel lonely for the ONE the wanted to be close to is farther than ever.

For what it’s worth, people don’t lose hope in love. But, they lose hope in people. Angered by the ones they hurt them the most, Scared of the people around, Anxious of every step they will ever take, Broken by power of forgetfulness.

6th August, 2017.

It was well past midnight as he had to complete a project he had been working on. He gets himself another cup of coffee but he drinks it without milk. With those sleepy red eyes, lousy head, messed up hair and that bi dark cup of strong black coffee; he couldn’t help but think of her again. He thought, “She would have loved that cup of coffee. But she is not here.”

** She reminded him of his most cursed day, “The sixth day of August 2017.” That day had changed everything he cared for. That cursed day destroyed everything that stood between them. That day, both of them were attending a cycling event. She was organising and he was participating. He remembered how after the event he went and sat beside his best friend, his love, prepared to confess his love. To go for it with all his will. He sat there in front of her tired but full of energy.

He sat there ready to open his chest full of thoughts, feelings and emotions he had suppressed for months then. But, fate had set another plan for him. A plan straight damn against what he had.

As he gathers all the courage left after the tiring cycling event and tells her, “I need to tell you something very important.” She turned towards him and replied,”Hey ! gimme a second naa. ” With that she turns towards her friend and calls, “Hey Jane! could you call my Boyfriend for me, please ?”

As soon as he heard those words the air felt thinner with every breath he took, the ground beneath his tired feet shook as it slipped away. His hands shivered like the hands of an eight month old child suffering from cold. Chills ran up and down his helpless spine. Terror grabbed him and pulled his nerves like a wrapper off a chocolate. His body was falling off, his brain shut down, his heart skipped beats like and athlete skipping hurdles. His head heavier that the heaviest thing on earth. He looks toward her stunned and asks,” You have a boyfriend ?”

She turns and replies, “Yes I do.” Before she could speak any further, her friend shouts,”OMG !!!! yes she does. You didn’t know? It is Aryaa “. And his love blushed beautifully. With this, he could do nothing. His body shut down. His brain didn’t function.

He stands up and grabs  his head in despair and as he starts looking away she holds his hand and tells,”What !? don’t go. I meant to tell you.” Out of sheer shock he replies,”But you never told ME.”

“I wanted to but … I was about to.” she replied. His legs felt nu,b. his hands fell cold. He stood there spellbound. “What !? tell something” she asks. “Come on… It is okay. Please forgive me.”

With tears coming up, he knew there was nothing left there now. He was broken. His heart shattered into million pieces. His stomach felt like a punching bag in a gym. His lungs gasped for air while he stood in the storm of loneliness. He turns around and stats walking. She holds his hand from behind and tells him to wait. He replies that he had to get somewhere.

He runs from there and hides himself in one of the cubicle of the men’s room. He stuffed his mouth with his shirt and began crying.  Tears left his eyes like Bullets out of a Maxim gun. He cried till his eyes felt dry. He cried till his he couldn’t cry anymore. He slaps himself  till his cheeks were red. He wipes of his tears, flushes his face with water till his mouth felt normal and he leaves the washroom. He clears all his plans for the day and returns home. He meets his parents and lies to them that he was tired. He locks himself in his room and holds his tears. But like his situation with his best friend he loved his hold breaks and he cries. He cried for most of his day. At night he cries himself to sleep and succumbs his love under a wall of unfaithful and angry feelings.

That day a Best friend grew apart from the most closest he had ever been. That day a immature lover dies and an angry boy insecure and gifted with trust issues is born. **

Now that he thinks of her and that day, tears come back like bad memories. Love had failed him and the only friendship he had and trusted had broken his trust like a snake breaking the bones of it’s prey.

His insecurities acted dead weight and his issues with life added to them. Now, he was a broken young kid with his life ahead of him but tinted with the fog of sadness and pretentious happiness he now portrayed to the world.

Has change changed us for the worse ?

Hey U,

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. It was in school when we were leaving for my first “Model United Nations”. I still remember how you just came up to me saying,”Hi! my name is U”. Oh! I was terrified. Those  three days were a lot more than intense discussion in the committee.

We got close as friends throughout the year. We grew into best friends. This year with you was really happy although we did go through stuff as individuals. But now, I don’t know why after an year things between us as best friends have changed. Over the past month I have had a sort of concern but I could never address it. I felt we have changed. You started talking less, we started meeting a LOT less than we did earlier, we hardly discussed personal things, in school i felt ghosted for some reason. I could not point my finger to what it is. Now I feel I cannot take it anymore. We have been really good friends. But, all of a sudden out of the blue, you  just seemed to fade away. I feel that there’s oceans between you and me.

August of 2017 made me realise something had changed in you but I felt it was just me. I lived through it. But now it is just poking me more than ever. You stopped texting, we no more had late night texts, school was not a place to meet now. I felt alienated. I don’t know if it is you or me. Now that it is just troubling me in the most unwanted ways, I could not gather the courage to confront you.

So this is my way of asking what is really happening ? Are we still the same or something has changed us ?

I could not ask you face-to-face because irrespective of the fact that this is a sensitive topic for me, I felt you would feel bad.

So U, I ask you today is it the end for what we had or are our priorities changed ?

Yours,
Phoenix.

Our reality…

I came back late that night. It was her birthday. She had a party, a HUGE one. But I was not invited. I made sure i wished her on social media just to maintain that last thread of connection. Although, we were hardly friends.

I parked my car and waited for the lift. But to my bad luck she came walking towards me. Although we were hardly friends we did live in the same building. She waled towards me in her new grey dress  which she posted in her social media as her ” most awaited gift “. She stood beside me without saying a word. My heart skipped a few beats and then starting banging on my chest. SO hard as if it was shouting to me to come out and fall in her hands. Without any thought I wished her happy birthday and she replies thank you. The whole elevator journey she stood beside me not saying a word whereas I stood with heart pounding, Brain going crazy and Everything in my body shouting out for her. Not because I once loved her, but for the fact that once we were Best friends who stood as an example to the world.

Over the year 2016, our friendship had snapped back and fourth so hard that now, its just formality I do to just hold on to that weak connection. For, once we were closer than anybody could ever be bit times had changed. She leaves the elevator at her floor. The rest of my journey was just the matter of time until I got out. Because after that I was forced to realise that what we were we will never be again and what we had we will never have again.

On the eleventh day of the eleventh month of 2017, we had been so close yet so far.

Today, the phoenix has fallen. Fallen prey to the cruel world which rips feelings like shit and stabs the heart like a titanium bullet.

With love,
To my once best friend,
My first love.

Your Promise …

I still remember the August of 2016. It was when we first met. We were at a conference and that was the best weekend of my life. It has been about a year and half since.

Well we have come a long way from there and so have you as an individual. But, do you remember the August of 2017 ? This year August did not bear gifts but I was surely greeted with shocks. Oh! how I curse “The sixth day of August of the year 2017!”. Scarlett, you surely did give me the shock of my life. But along with the shock, you did promise me something. Ring any bells?

Well, you promised that irrespective of you relationships with anybody, we were never to change. What we had as best friends was never to be changed. YOU had promised. But, was it just a void filled with doubt? a phrase just to keep matters hushed?
You promised what we had would never change but what has happened to us in these past few weeks? We have boiled down from best friends to just friends. It feels like there’s oceans between you and me. You promised to keep US safe. Is is me? Is it something I have done ?Or maybe it is just you…

Scarlett, it has not been hours, nor days but weeks. What has happened to us ? we did’nt fight nor did we move then why one fine morning the extremely strong thread of our connection just broke and has been left undiscovered. Have your priorities changed ?
or have you just snapped “US” to something you promised would never come between us.

I wish to discover us again but maybe ripping the band aid off my wound is what you chose. I need you . I need your hugs. I need your hypnotically mesmerising smile. I guess you are never to return I guess i will have to deal with it the hard way, But, walking away into the dark right out of the blue probably just another act you did unintentionally.

No more yours,
Phoenix.

A letter I never could send…

 

It was raining and I thought about you. But I couldn’t help but re-live what I feared the most which happened. But you deserve to know what happened.

As I saw through my window yesterday afternoon, it was raining heavy. I thought there could be no more perfect time to have coffee. I made myself some freshly brewed coffee and just as I sat down by my window, like my usual habit, I got pensive. With no intention to contemplate I could do nothing but sit there and let thoughts run like trains on an intermediary station of my brain.

A lot had gone down this week. There was news about death, news about birth, news about marriage, news about divorce. But after a cup of coffee and a couple hours of endless and fiery rain, I realised of something you told me, “You, my friend, are going through a lot change. And, change is good. You will do just alright”. I have been told all my life, “CHANGE IS GOOD! EMBRACE IT AND MAKE THE BEST OUT OF IT.” I could never oppose nor could I agree. The past week had brought out the worst of all my feelings.
Happiness, Anger, Sadness, Relief, Anxiety, Panic, Guilt, Regret, more Anger. The past week was all that needed for me to fall right back of the track and back into the stands where all I could do was wait, wait for the wave to pass. All of my feelings had a new level of concentration and outcome.
Life had never been so good nor so bad. But, the one thing I remember as clear as crystal was Us. I could not help but think what we have boiled down to. I have never stopped thinking about you for a day.
Change, as you say was to be good. But, off all this mess and all of the greys, one thing seems to be clear: We, have changed. Not you, not me. But US. The past week had brought a lot of surprises, but one thing which was made clear, we are not the same and we will never be back to who we were.
As much as I hurt, as much as it is hard on me to admit, as much as it is just awful, the fact is clear. I could never move on and you never felt the same. I lived fantasies and you lived reality. You were far but i felt you closer to me than ever.
But, I was wrong this entire time. Truth be told I did see it coming but I never believed it would happen. Now you are in a better place. And I could not have been happier.

Scarlett, my love, now all I long is to move on but with you. It is just a matter of time that I realise we could never have been together and I was largely at fault for me.

With love,
Your Phoenix.